A granny goes on a train journey

For reasons beyond my understanding, most of the British meejah has got very excited at the Queen's recent journey from London to Norfolk on a scheduled train service:


Her Maj arrived at King's Cross to take the 1045 First Capital Connect service to King's Lynn, the closest railway station to the royal estates at Sandringham. The royals traditionally spend late December to February at their private Norfolk estates, although that strikes me as simply perverse: this is unquestionably the worst possible time of year to stay in Norfolk.


First Capital Connect is (as you might have guessed from that dismal brand name) one of the more piss-poor of the rail operating companies, and their rolling stock has seen not the slightest improvement since they and their predecessors took over from British Rail in the mid-1990s (so much for private sector innovation).


The run from London to Lynn is surprisingly swift for a bog-standard secondary route -- 100 miles in 95 minutes -- largely thanks to British Rail's foresight in electrifying the East Coast Mainline and, from Hitchen, the Great Eastern route to Cambridge and, thence, to Lynn. The decision to electrify the Fen Line was one of BR's more surprising coups in the 1980s, but service speed was transformed (from roughly 2.5 hours to 1.5 hours).


BR introduced its Class 365 Networkers onto the route -- outer suburban units not really suitable for long-distance work, and anything over an hour is a bit tiresome on their thinly-cushioned seats which are crammed in at commuter densities.


There is, of course, no catering whatsoever. Air-conditioning? You're having a laugh -- these units have barely functioning heaters, and that's as good as it gets.

And things in 1st Class (where The Monarch sat, of course) aren't actually that much better.


Still, The Queen ("Gawd Bless 'Er, Guv") arrived at King's Lynn bang on schedule and apparently unscathed (though looking a little grumpier than when she left King's Cross), where she pressed herself into the care of the tender bosom of the Norfolk Constabulary. God Help Her.


"King's Lynn: this is the End Of The Line".


Her experience contrasts with regular users of First Capital Connect's rubbish services. Here's a complaint letter (that's now gone viral) that summarises what the "service" is more usually like:

Scenario 1:

“You are at work. It is 1pm. You are hungry, blood sugars are low and you have an important meeting at 2pm. You must have lunch but have no sandwiches & no in house restaurant. You have no choice but to go out.


“There is only one reasonable establishment close enough to your office to enable you to eat and return on time. It is shabby on the outside and looks busy inside. But has a decent enough menu - a bit pricey, but needs must. There is no takeaway option, but fast and efficient service is promised. The shepherd’s pie appeals – bland and simple, but will do the job. You go inside. It is 1.10pm.

“A receptionist insists on taking your order and advance payment, before you enter the restaurant. Having taken your payment the receptionist informs you that there is no seating space and leads you to a crowded spot in a dirty corridor just outside the toilets. She tells you that, due to a shortage of available kitchen staff, your food will be delayed by approximately 30 minutes and apologises for any inconvenience caused. You wait. More customers are led into the crowded corridor. Verbal abuse and acts of physical violence ensue as they struggle for space.


“Your food arrives after 35 minutes. It is an inedible mass of grey, gristly, maggot ridden, unidentifiable meat and potato that you would not ordinarily consider feeding to your dog. You cannot escape from the corridor, and are forced to eat it because if you do not you will surely pass out in your important meeting. You eat whist being jostled by your fellow customers, and then try to depart. You shove your way out of the corridor and towards the door. It is 1.58pm.

“You reach the door. Your exit is barred by a large security guard who insists on seeing your receipt before you leave to prove that you have paid. You tell him that the conditions and food were disgusting, the service appalling and refuse to show him your receipt. He says ‘Well we fed you didn’t we?’. A further 3 security guards surround you, unzip their flies and begin to urinate on you. You find your receipt, show it to them. They open the door and you return to work. It is 2.15.


“You are angry, wet, smelly, sweaty and covered in food. Your meeting goes badly. You bring sandwiches in future and never visit the restaurant again. Does it sound far fetched? It probably does in the context of a restaurant.

Now compare it to the following:

Scenario 2:

Passengers’ experience on the 08.06 First Capital Connect ‘service’ from St Albans to Farringdon on Wednesday 9th December 2009.


“Train arrives at St Albans. It is dirty, but at least there is space to get on. You have already been unable to get on one train and there is no real option but to board this one to avoid being late and the risk of later services being full.

“The train is overcrowded within 2 stops. People are dangerously crammed in, and more people are shoving to get on. There was physical violence and the driver was pleading with passengers not to break the doors, and asking them to push the doors shut.


“You get off at Farringdon. There are random ticket inspectors present (despite assurances at the previous ‘Meet the Managers’ forum that this would not happen). One passenger suggested that they should not be required to show a ticket after the experience they had just been subjected. This resulted in that passenger being surrounded by 4 ticket inspectors, one of whom said ‘we got you here didn’t we, so you should expect to pay’.

“There was no physical urination – it was metaphorical.

“This journey experience is typical of many in the last few months. Is this so different to scenario 1? There are certain clear differences. Obviously the restaurant in scenario 1 would be out of business very quickly. In scenario 2 there is no real alternative for the customer, who may even have paid for a year in advance. FCC are allowed to continue to run the service in this way, and make money from it. I would, however, suggest that the customer experience in both scenarios is similar."


Her Maj got off lightly. But I guess there have to be some advantages to being Head of State.